Yes, my next post wasn't supposed to be about mental health, I said I'd get back onto the stuff that this blog is supposed to be about - books and all things related. But as I've been telling a lot of you for a long time, mental health has recently become a really large part of my life. And I know that it's a part of life for many young people - 1 in 10 children between the ages of 5 and 18 have mental health problems. That's a huge number!
So I've decided to begin a new series on the blog, called Let's Talk, where I'll talk with you about mental health. I've decided to start off with mental health and grief, for reasons which you'll soon understand.
I lost my grandmother recently and was at her funeral earlier this week. So I thought I'd talk about my experiences of having mental health issues and grieving.
Of course, as a disclaimer, I'd like to say before I go on that every health issue is different and every person is different and therefore nobody's experience will be exactly the same. I'm just writing about my personal experiences with anxiety and grieving.
It began in the car to the funeral - I could feel my stomach dropping and my legs jittering. Anxiety had come to visit me again. Whether it was because it was a highly emotional day or just because my brain hates me, it had come to visit. I knew there wasn't a reason - my anxiety is related to health and I could feel none of the usual headaches or stomach pains that might normally set my anxiety off. No, it was just one of those times - and anyone with anxiety will probably know exactly what I mean - when anxiety comes to visit you completely randomly, just to ruin your day.
And then I got out of the car with my mother and went to stand with my cousins, one of whom gave me a beautiful red rose to hold. I am one of nine grandchildren (and also one great-grandchild) for my grandmother and we were all going to place a rose in front of a picture of my grandmother during the service.
As the limousine carrying my father, my grandfather and my aunts and uncles arrived, with the hearse ahead of them, one of my cousins burst into tears. Her fiancee rushed to comfort her. I could feel my heart begin to beat faster, my head bursting with so much emotion that it could only express itself through anxiety.
And it broke my heart to see my father's face as he got out of the limousine, comforting my crying aunt. I'd never seen my father like this before, and it was so difficult to see that.
Then came the most difficult part - the service. My knees were jiggling the whole way through as I tried to keep still. My body was converting my grief and sadness into anxiety tics, and I felt like I couldn't stop moving.
I know that was a short story and it didn't tell much about my thought processes or anything, but if I'm honest it's all a blur. With grief, your brain gets muddled up anyway, and when you add mental health issues on top of it, your brain is on the verge of implosion. It can't handle both grief and anxiety very well, is all I'll say.
Grief is a difficult time for everyone, and what I would say is that I got many feelings of guilt. I felt guilty thinking about my anxiety when I should have been thinking about my grandmother more. I felt guilty because I was moving and jiggling around in what should have been a quiet and solemn moment in dedication to my grandmother.
I wrote this because I wanted to let people who have health issues know that they are not alone. I hope I've done that.
Finally, please do follow my social media and let me know what you would like to talk about in my next 'Let's Talk' post. I'm always happy to take suggestions on board.
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