Not Being Able to Have Kids

I apologise for any spelling and grammar mistakes. It's late at night and I'm on my phone. But I felt I needed to talk.


First of all, I'd like to apologise for my inactivity. I'm in the middle of very important exams and I need to focus on them. In a few weeks you can expect full activity.


Secondly, I'm aware I haven't done a post that's actually about books in a while, but I've been far too busy with this school year (which has, as I mentioned, very important exams) to really read at all. And with recent changes in my life, which you'll understand if you've read previous posts of mine, I feel that the posts I've been doing recently are very important, as these major things in my life have compelled me more than ever to speak about important issues.


But onto the actual topic of this post. To write this post I will have to reveal my gender. I am, in fact, a female. I doubt any of you are surprised, but there it is.


Now, when I was ten years old, I was diagnosed with a genetic disorder called Turner Syndrome. Look it up if you feel compelled to, though I am sure I'll talk more in depth about it in the future.


Turner Syndrome is usually characterised by small stature, among other things. It can result in heart issues (my tachycardia in August) and heightened anxiety (sound familiar?). But the worst thing about it is that about 90% of girls who have it are barren, being unable to produce mature eggs.


At the time of diagnosis this didn't really mean anything to me. I didn't understand what it really meant. It hadn't sunk in. And, to be frank, at age ten I was more concerned with the whole being-short thing than the fact I couldn't have children.


But I'm older now and I find myself wanting to have children when I grow older, and it is truly sinking in.


It is an oddly primal feeling, the strong desire to have children and to pass your genes onto the next generation. To have a child that is yours. It is hard to describe, the feeling that comes with being infertile and yet wanting children. It is the most human feeling I have ever experienced.


But then there is the feeling inadequate. The feeling that you can't truly be a woman if you can't have children.


We are taught from a young age, especially girls, that the greatest gift in life is the ability to have children. And it is very painful to have that taken away from you. For me, it damages my self-view and my self-worth.


And then came the questions of future relationships. How many people would not want to be with me because of my lack of fertility? Would I ever be 'marriage material'?


I have options open to me. Adoption. Egg donation. Hormone therapy and egg freezing. But none of them truly feel right. Freezing eggs is a painful process requiring a lot of hormones. And adoption and egg donation wouldn't give me a biological child.


To sum up, being a barren woman is confusing and upsetting and it even puts your ethics to the test. You have to be strong and resilient and determined.


I'm sorry if this post is rambly or doesn't make sense. I wanted to share my deepest thoughts and emotions in support of others going through the same thing. I hope those going through similar things can relate. It's important to know that you aren't alone.